Unitaneh Kickoff

A prayer for the kickoff of the NFL season

Let us now relate the power of this day’s holiness, for it is awesome and frightening

Who will win
Who will lose
Who will set records
Who will be injured
Who by concussion
Who by fireworks
Who by suspension
Who by violating the league’s substance abuse policy
Who will get the first pick of next year’s draft
Who will hoist the Lombardi Trophy

But wings, and beer, and nachos annul the severe decree!